Mental health
Recently, my mental health has been a little bit better - but still not in the state I want it to be. I have had a lot of things going on at once over the last 3–6 months, mainly work and personal finances related issues.
Mental health is something I have always struggled with, quite poorly. I've been able to have time of recovery, and feel better with myself - but there's usually something that will push me back into a messy spiral. I think sometimes I don't do myself any favours, when in reality I should be pretty proud of myself for what I have achieved - even if it is only little.
Socially, I've always been pretty shit. I've never really been good at talking to people, and for the longest time I was pretty shy. Something clicked one day, and I've been fairly chatty ever since, but then I get this sinking feeling of "I've talked too much" - but if I am really enjoying the conversation, I don't want to stop talking. Growing up, my parents used to say I had 'Verbal Diarrhoea' - probably why I got shy most the time, and in recent years I've just forgotten about it.
Low self-esteem has always been a big blocker in my life, that mixed with a lack of overall confidence in myself. I remind myself that I am me, and there's nobody out there like me. I am unique, and I stand out - and therefore I am beautiful - but it's always some social norm that digs away at the back of my head to remind me that there are nicer, prettier and healthier people out there - and I will never be them. I don't want to be them, but as a collective we've become fairly toxic about body image and beauty standards - it's no wonder I do feel this way sometimes. Understandably, this is something I try to remind myself (that I am beautiful) - but I never fully feel it.
I do wish someday I could drop all forms of social media, and just keep things simple - but I have and would suffer from extreme FOMO and would end up caving in. Even if I could just keep screen time down. I like writing these posts because the page is just white, with blue hyperlinks - nothing to distract me. Just realised I've dragged off-topic and onto something else, can you tell I talk a lot?
Going slightly back to the original point of this post, I have struggled for a while financially - my poor mental health and possible ADHD means I tend to spend pretty erratically, some months I can control it - and one month I did something pretty bad and racked up my card to the limit. The upside is I've learnt my lesson, the downside is my outgoings at the moment are very very very high and mainly used to pay off short term debt. I want it all over and done with, so I can focus on saving for a house and moving out, but it always feels so far away. I do find it really hard some days. Money sucks, and being an adult can suck too.
I think that's all, have a good rest of your day/evening.